Figuring out who's who when you're not that separate

by: Mostly Brick with input from the others.
posted on April 7, 2026

A lot of guides that we've come across for figuring out who's all in a system, or who's there, or who's around, are well tailored for collectives who are more multiple. That is, who have a decent amount of discrete separateness. "Multiple people in one body," full stop. Those guides can exclude folks who don't experience a lot of separation.

One of the reasons it took us so long to realize we are plural is that there isn't a ton of overt division between us. We are distinct, but not divided. "Three headed dog" and other hydra-esque metaphors describe us well.

We're going to make two posts on this topic. This one will be a more general "here's stuff that helped us that may help you." The other one will be more specific and posted to our 18+ site.

Defining "less separation"

For our purposes, we're going to outline what "not a lot of separation" means for us, specifically. This may not be true for you. It's to contextualize our own experiences as you read.

Few to no memory barriers
Unfiltered thought and feeling access to one another
Switching is "passing the I" or "becoming one another." Switching does not feel like "trading places," "becoming possessed," "dissociating," or "losing time."
"I just feel like me, but different."
Life history, relationship with cultural background, relationships to external people, and things of that nature generally feel the same, similar, or agreed upon. Your parents are all of your parents, your cultural background is all of your cultural background, and so on.
Relationship with gender and sexual orientation feel congruous. Examples: same points of gender dysphoria, even for differnt reasons. This is true for us, even though our genders, sexual orientations, and romantic orientations, themselves are different.
Alternatively: sexual orientation and/or gender changing between us looks enough like singular-normative fluidity that we do not initially notice it as different selves.
Lots of blending and temporary fusing.
In most ways, our values align.

A few ways: the tl;dr

Retrospectives and reflections: can you point out times in your life where you were just different?
Skill and capacity changes: are there certain "eras" in your life when you were very good at some things, but not others? Do the skills change in ways you can't really explain? Or does the explanation you do have, like disability burnout or therapy, feel incomplete? Was there a time you could tolerate some sensory input, but now you can't, and vice versa?
Make a timeline of your life: Map out points of substantial change. Fill in gaps as you find more information. The important part is not "factual accuracy" but how you remember things and how you were impacted.
Track things in the present: Try feeling out vibes about where you're at, what you're drawn to, what values you're prioritizing in the moment. Track them and find patterns.

A central takeaway here: this is not a process of laying out objective, factual evidence that can be externally verified. This is an ongoing process of feeling things out. If you're sighted, here's a metaphor: you know those times when you're feeling around in your bag for something, and you end up just sticking your face in to look because you can't find it with your hands? There's no sticking your face in with this. You're gonna have to trust what you're feeling and your interpretation of what it is, and accept that it will change with time.

Retrospectives

There was a clear point in our life when things changed for us completely. We went through a series of traumatic events that required us to change the way we did everything: logistically, practically, socially, health-wise, and more. We changed a lot, as a person, outwardly. In that process, we also lost a lot.

Certain personality things, qualities, tendencies, etc. seemed to have gone away, or been more background, or "easier to manage." Think things like: "oh, that trauma thing isn't as present in my life; I guess therapy is working!"

Since Zahi was in some pretty serious skills-based therapy, we chalked all of this up to our various mental health diagnoses going into remission as a result of our work. That's not to say we were wrong -- of course this is a huge factor. We were also missing another piece of it: Brick was holding a lot of really difficult tendencies of ours. That gave Zahi room to build a life worth living. It also meant that Brick had influence and impact, and was likewise influenced and impacted, over that process, without being able to make as many active choices as Zahi did.

Our gender presentation also leaned heavily in Zahi and Arini's direction during those eight years. Before that, it was quite fluid, and many presentations felt right at any given time. In retrospect, we notice that presenting less femme in many situations got us feeling dysphoric, not just "oh, I am not feeling myself in this."

Do you find yourself saying, "but I thought I was..." about a certain personal quality? "I thought I didn't really care what people thought." "I thought I was good at/bad at social skills." "I thought I was direct and blunt/less direct." Pay attention to those moments. Track them.

Skill and capacity changes

Remember that "clear point in our life when things changed for us completely"? At that point, Zahi was almost fronting by himself, though influenced and impacted by Arini and Brick. In retrospect, there were many points when Arini was co-fronting or at least "watching over their shoulder" over that eight year period.

Sensory input that we were able to tolerate? Not anymore. Certain themes and aesthetics, like gory stuff or violent stuff? Nope. "Oh, I guess I'm just more sensitive after the bad thing." Not entirely wrong, but not complete.

We experienced some serious autism and ADHD burnout. It clicked into place when we noticed this: as Brick started unfolding again, things that we hadn't been able to do for ages were coming back. We could daydream again. Creative writing was getting easier again. Brute-forcing a task that was difficult was possible again (though not recommended, as usual!). Meanwhile, it started getting harder to ask for help; prior to that, Zahi had gotten very good at it!

Are there clear points where certain hobbies, skills, desires, urges, propensities went away or appeared, or increased? These may have been things you attributed to processes of learning or unlearning. That definitely may be true, and, being plural might mean the outward effects of this are more pronounced than they would be for a singular person.

Make a timeline

Literally make a timeline of your life. It can be paper and pencil, digital, whatever. Make sure it's in a place you can easily find it and make changes. You are unlikely to finish this in one sitting and it will likely take many visits. You may start to spot patterns of selfhood, presence, absence, influence, etc. as you do this. Folks may find that they can feel out their own vibes enough to claim certain adjustments on the timeline. For example: so-and-so feels right writing in blue ink, they tend to revisit the timeline when they are feeling sad, and so on.

On this timeline, leave room for varying interpretations of what you remember. One of you may remember things one way; another may remember it differently. One of you may have taken away a set of lessons, and another one, a different one. Leave room for that. Make sure whoever is contributing can maintain a through line of claiming it's their contribution -- if they want. An ink color, a font color, a letter of the alphabet, a symbol, if they don't want to use a name. And if they choose to deliberately not keep a through line of their contribution, honor that. Let things unfold at their pace.

Tracking

Tracking isn't easy. It can be overwhelming, especially if you're trying to get a process down perfectly the first time. Suggestion: plan to change your tracking process with time. You don't have to go back and retroactively adjust old records. Let those old records stand as their own way of tracking how your process changes. That is also information.

What to track, you ask? Here are some ideas. Of course these are things that have perfectly singular-folk explanations, like sleep, food, energy, mood, what happened that day, and so on. Consider folding in that certain folks in your system might also have different feelings about these things.

It doesn't need to be a perfectly comprehensive picture of everything ever. What stands out to you? What feels important? This is not a scientific exploration that needs to be reproducible. Follow your gut. Or your heart. Or whatever symbolic intuition body part you vibe with.

People you see frequently. How do you feel about them? How do they interact with you or vibe with you? What do you find yourself drawn to say to them or do with them?
Activities you do frequently. How do you feel about this class? This project? This hobby? This client?
Frequent sensory input. Is that crackling of the electricity poles on your walk home more or less irritating on certain days? Is the screeching neighbor's kid tolerable sometimes and unbearable at other times?
Body tension patterns. Where do you hold tension? How does it change? When?
Food preferences and how certain foods feel and taste. Or desire to eat in general.
Perceptions of your memory. Maybe sometimes you forgive that family member for the time they hurt you when you were a kid, and other times you're boiling with rage at them.

As you track these things, try to also notice what else they line up with. Find patterns and correlations.

the ending stuff

Remember:

This will take a long time.
You will likely need to revisit and revise.
This is not scientific; it is intuitive. It requires selves-trust, or at least selves-"whatever message I am getting is somehow true, even if not logically or empirically".